Remember that couple you knew who seemed so perfect together? The ones who posted those amazing vacation photos and always finished each other’s sentences? Then one day, they announced they were splitting up and everyone was shocked. What happened? According to marriage experts, there’s actually one factor that stands above all others when predicting divorce. And surprisingly, it’s not about money fights or even cheating—though those definitely make the list. Let’s look at what really tears couples apart and what you can do if you spot these warning signs in your own relationship.
Lack of commitment tops the divorce charts
When researchers ask divorced people what went wrong, the answer that comes up most often isn’t dramatic like affairs or fights about money. It’s simply lack of commitment. Studies show a staggering 73-75% of divorces happen because one or both partners stopped prioritizing the relationship. Think about Mark and Lisa, who started dating in college. After ten years of marriage, they realized they lived more like roommates than spouses. They both worked long hours, spent weekends with separate friend groups, and rarely made time for date nights. Their relationship didn’t explode—it faded away because neither person was actively working to keep it strong.
This lack of commitment shows up in small ways that build over time. Maybe you stop asking about each other’s day, or you begin making big decisions without talking to your partner first. Perhaps you find yourself putting everyone else’s needs—your boss, your kids, even your friends—ahead of your relationship. The tricky part about commitment issues is that they sneak up on you. One day you wake up and realize you’ve been taking your relationship for granted for months or even years. Marriage experts say the key to avoiding this trap is making your relationship a top priority again—scheduling regular quality time together and treating your partnership as something that needs regular attention and care.
The power of contempt to destroy marriages
You might think screaming matches would be relationship killers, but according to renowned psychologist Dr. John Gottman, a subtle facial expression does more damage than raised voices ever could. It’s called contempt—that feeling of looking down on your partner or thinking you’re better than them. Gottman’s research found that a simple one-sided mouth raise (basically a smirk) can predict divorce with an incredible 93.6% accuracy. Imagine Jennifer and Mike arguing about household chores. When Mike explains why he forgot to take out the trash, Jennifer rolls her eyes and gives that little half-smile that says, “I’m not even surprised you messed up again.” That tiny gesture carries a powerful message: “I think you’re beneath me.”
Other signs of contempt include eye-rolling, mouth crimping, and fidgeting behaviors during serious conversations. What makes contempt so dangerous is that it’s not just about being angry—it’s about feeling superior to your partner. And once that feeling takes root, it’s hard to see your spouse as an equal worthy of respect. The fix? Marriage experts recommend addressing contempt head-on by talking openly about these behaviors when you notice them. Try saying something like, “When you make that face, I feel like you don’t respect me.” Breaking the contempt cycle requires both partners to remember what they admired about each other in the first place and actively work to build respect back into their interactions.
Arguments that never get resolved
We all know that one couple who seems to have the same fight over and over again. Maybe it’s about money, the in-laws, or how to discipline the kids—but whatever the topic, they never actually solve it. They just rehash the same points, get mad at each other, and then push it aside until next time. This pattern of unresolved conflicts is cited in about 55-57% of divorces. Sarah and Tom had been married for eight years and fought about household chores at least twice a month. Tom felt Sarah was too picky about cleanliness, while Sarah thought Tom never did his fair share. Instead of finding a solution that worked for both of them, they’d fight, give each other the silent treatment, and then pretend everything was fine until the tension built up again.
The problem isn’t having disagreements—all couples have those. The real issue is when problems get “swept under the rug” instead of solved. Over time, these unaddressed issues create distance between partners. You start avoiding certain topics because you know they’ll lead to arguments, and that avoidance leads to less honest communication overall. To break this pattern, relationship experts recommend setting aside time to discuss problems when you’re both calm, focusing on understanding each other’s perspective rather than “winning” the argument. Some couples find success with the technique of taking turns speaking uninterrupted for five minutes each, which helps ensure both people feel heard before trying to find solutions.
When trust breaks down due to infidelity
Affairs happen in many marriages—studies show infidelity plays a role in about 55-60% of divorces. But the breaking of trust doesn’t just happen with physical cheating. Emotional affairs, hiding financial decisions, or keeping significant secrets can all damage the foundation of trust in a relationship. Consider the case of Rob and Jessica. Their marriage hit a crisis point when Jessica discovered Rob had been texting with an old girlfriend for months. Even though Rob insisted nothing physical happened, the secrecy alone was enough to shatter Jessica’s trust. She found herself checking his phone, questioning his whereabouts, and struggling to believe even simple explanations about his day.
Once trust is broken, rebuilding it takes significant time and effort from both partners. The person who broke the trust needs to be consistently honest and transparent, while the hurt partner needs to be willing to forgive without constantly bringing up past mistakes. Couples who successfully move past infidelity often say the process forced them to develop better communication skills and deeper understanding of each other’s needs. However, for many relationships, the damage is too severe to repair. Even when couples try to work through infidelity, the lingering suspicion and hurt feelings can eventually lead them to separate. Rebuilding trust requires both partners to commit fully to the process—half-hearted efforts rarely succeed.
Growing apart and losing connection
Life changes everyone. The person you marry at 25 won’t be exactly the same at 35 or 45—and neither will you. This natural evolution can strengthen some relationships, but it pulls others apart. Nearly half of divorced couples report they simply “grew apart” over time. David and Emma met in their early twenties when they both loved hiking and dreamed of traveling the world. Ten years later, David had developed a passion for staying home and working on his classic car collection, while Emma still wanted to explore new places and experiences. Neither person was wrong for changing, but their relationship couldn’t bridge the growing gap between their interests and priorities.
The loss of connection often happens gradually. You stop sharing your thoughts and feelings with each other. You develop separate friend groups and hobbies. You spend less time together by choice, not just because of busy schedules. Before long, you’re living parallel lives under the same roof. To prevent this drift, relationship experts recommend maintaining shared activities that both partners enjoy, while also supporting each other’s individual growth. Regular check-ins about life goals and dreams help couples stay aligned as they change and develop. The most successful long-term couples find ways to grow together rather than apart, seeing their partner’s evolution as something to be curious about rather than threatened by.
Financial stress and different money values
Money fights are infamous for causing relationship problems, and for good reason. About 22-28% of divorces list financial issues as a major factor. What makes money conflicts so difficult is that they’re rarely just about dollars and cents—they’re about deeply held values, security fears, and power dynamics. Take Alex and Jordan, who seemed perfectly matched until they moved in together. Alex grew up in a family that lived paycheck to paycheck and valued saving every possible dollar. Jordan came from a more comfortable background and believed in “enjoying life now.” Their different money styles led to weekly arguments about everything from grocery shopping to vacation planning.
Research shows that financial disagreements predict divorce more strongly than conflicts about other topics like household responsibilities or children. The issue isn’t usually how much money a couple has—wealthy couples fight about finances too. Instead, it’s about compatible financial values and communication. Couples who successfully navigate money differences start by understanding the emotional meaning behind their partner’s financial habits. Someone who seems “cheap” might actually be dealing with deep-seated fears about security. A “spender” might associate money with showing love or creating memories. Creating a shared financial plan that respects both partners’ needs and regularly reviewing it together can help prevent the resentment that builds when couples avoid money conversations.
How childhood wounds affect adult relationships
Sometimes what looks like a fight about dirty dishes or in-laws is actually about much deeper issues from long before the relationship started. Our childhood experiences shape how we respond to stress, conflict, and emotional intimacy. When Maria’s husband raised his voice during arguments, she would completely shut down and refuse to talk for days. This wasn’t just stubbornness—Maria grew up with a father who yelled and then became physically abusive, so raised voices triggered her old protective responses. Her husband, who came from a family where loud disagreements were normal and forgotten an hour later, couldn’t understand why Maria “overreacted” to what he saw as normal discussion.
Marriage experts call these reactions “emotional triggers,” and they’re responsible for many relationship breakdowns. When partners trigger each other’s old wounds without understanding why, they can get stuck in destructive patterns. The woman whose parents divorced might panic when her husband works late, fearing abandonment. The man whose mother was critical might hear innocent suggestions from his wife as attacks on his competence. Breaking these cycles requires understanding your own emotional baggage and sharing it with your partner. Couples therapy can be particularly helpful for identifying these patterns and creating new, healthier responses. When both people can recognize their triggers and comfort each other through them, rather than just reacting, the relationship grows stronger.
Lack of support from family and friends
No relationship exists in a vacuum, and the people around a couple can have a surprising impact on whether they stay together. An often overlooked factor in divorce is lack of support from family and friends, which contributes to about 43% of marriages ending. Consider Raj and Aisha, whose families had different religious backgrounds. Both sets of parents constantly questioned their relationship choices, from their wedding ceremony to how they raised their children. Every family gathering became a source of stress rather than support. Over time, this constant pressure eroded their confidence in their relationship and added tension to everyday decisions.
Community support matters more than many couples realize. When families and friends affirm a relationship, couples have somewhere to turn during rough patches. But when loved ones undermine the relationship—through criticism, boundary violations, or simply failing to respect the partnership—it creates an uphill battle. This factor can be especially significant for couples from different cultural backgrounds or same-sex couples who may face additional societal challenges. Successful couples often need to set clear boundaries with unsupportive family members while actively building connections with friends who value their relationship. Some find that moving some distance from negative influences or limiting time with certain family members is necessary to protect their partnership.
Understanding why relationships fail gives us valuable insights into how to make them succeed. While lack of commitment tops the list of divorce causes, each relationship faces its own unique challenges. The good news? Recognizing these warning signs early allows couples to address problems before they become deal-breakers. Whether it’s scheduling regular date nights to maintain connection, learning better communication skills, or seeing a therapist to work through deeper issues, taking action shows that you value your relationship enough to fight for it. After all, strong marriages don’t happen by accident—they’re built through understanding, effort, and a daily choice to prioritize each other.
